Jimmy Jo says:
ok, how are you doing? What are you doing?

You have just sent a Nudge!

Ginny just sent you a Nudge!

Ginny says:
trying to get a last minute rest in

Jimmy Jo says:
k, well you just need to let me know, esp since you are on a new med!

Ginny says:
been on it long enough to know its fine

Ginny says:
stop being paranoid

Jimmy Jo says:
oh, that's nice

Jimmy Jo says:
I guess I need to be more selective in my concern & watching of you

Ginny says:
it stresses me out when you are over cautious

Jimmy Jo says:
I have to give my heart & soul "boundries"

Ginny says:
no, you just have to be sensible and realistic about things

Jimmy Jo says:
I think that I am being. You should not be alone, without checking in with SOMEONE (me) every once in a while

Ginny says:
I gotta rest some time!

Jimmy Jo says:
yes, you do, but you used to let me know when you were going to

Jimmy Jo says:
WHY are you SO reluctant to recognize, empathize or cooperate with what this whole thing is doing to ME?

Ginny says:
I"m not. I'm just sick of being coddled and forced to adhere to everyone else's paranoias and fears. I have my own to deal with. Sometimes I just need time to myself

Ginny says:
and I'm bloody tired

Jimmy Jo says:
that's fine, I understand, appreciate & empathize. But, given the circumstances, it would be good for you to CONTINUE to let me know what you are doing when you are alone

Ginny says:
and I can't ever just go home when I need to

Ginny says:
I have to call for a cab, wait while they send him to the wrong place, call again, then have you question why I'm leaving "so early"

Jimmy Jo says:
sorry

Jimmy Jo says:
you have BRAIN CANCER, you have to make a few adjustments, not just for yourself, but also for the people who's hearts are being broken & destroyed. Among them, is that you need to let a few different folks, depending on the situation, know what you are doing

Jimmy Jo says:
It sucks, but it IS the way it IS

Ginny says:
what if I need MY time?

Jimmy Jo says:
otherwise, you are just flipping off the people that care about you the most

Ginny says:
and you KNOW that I do

Jimmy Jo says:
I DO! Just let me know, k?

Ginny says:
I'll try. but it involves planning ahead and sometimes I just have to put my head down NOW

Jimmy Jo says:
k

Jimmy Jo says:
I understand, just understand that you NEED to keep in touch, to some extent

Jimmy Jo says:
NOT just disapear for a while, unless you want someone breaking down the front door

Jimmy Jo says:
It is what it is. It sucks! But, you need to stay in touch, when you are alone

Jimmy Jo says:
you want me to understand that you need some time to yourself, and that you can't always plan ahead for when you need it. Well, understand that ever since this started, I have been in a CONSTANT, 24/7 state of Fight or Flight. If anything, understand & try to accomodate the fact that I am about to hit the ceiling, 24/7, and let me know, from time to time, that you are OK

Jimmy Jo says:
ESP at critical times, like when you just siezed, or are changing your meds

Ginny says:
I'll try, but it's just sooooo ridiculous

Jimmy Jo says:
I KNOW it all SUCKS, sucks for me, too. We just need to adjust a few things to deal with it.

Ginny says:
I'm fine. It sucks more than you could ever possibly imagine

Jimmy Jo says:
It is NOT rediclulous, any more than the love & feelings that those that love & are concerned about you are rediculous

Ginny says:
I am SICK TO DEATH OF ADJUSTING TO ACCOMMODATE THIS CRAP. I should be adjusting by getting better instead

Ginny says:
I should have been on other meds 2 months ago

Jimmy Jo says:
well, then be proactive about it, and stop fighting the people trying to help you

Ginny says:
ok. now I have to do drive.

Ginny says:
I have been asking for other meds for at least 2 months. no one was listening

Ginny says:
and no one was helping me yell louder

Jimmy Jo says:
An,d I understand that you are sick to death of this. It is probably going to KILL me, not joking. But, it is what it is, there is no getting around it.

Jimmy Jo says:
Then yell at ME for what you need! You internalize everything, and are not one to speak out clearly what you need!

Ginny says:
how long have I been screaming about dilantin?

Jimmy Jo says:
since dirt, but we have not found an alternative, until yesterday

Ginny says:
need a night a week at home where I don't have to "check in" every few minutes

Ginny says:
I need to dance

Ginny says:
I need to be able to take my herbs, acupuncture and drink

Ginny says:
leafing

Jimmy Jo says:
well, what can I say, you have BRAIN CANCER! SUCKS BIG ASS, but it is what it is, and you, I, your family, my family, our friends ALL have to adjust to it

Jimmy Jo says:
call me when you get there, IN, k?

Well, I just got back from my Shrink.

First time I have seen him since Sep 20th.  First, he had to go out of town, so he canceled.  Next, he was sick, so he canceled.  Then, the next Appt was in the middle of Ginny's Surgery stuff going on at UCLA, so I canceled.

Ran out of my Meds, so I had to go back.

Explained everything from the last 3 months to him.  Showed him some of the Pictures & Labs & Pathology, etc.  He like ALL the other Doctors that see it said pretty much the same thing: That IS HUGE!!!

Doing his Job, he was trying to get me to express my feelings, and he got "TOO" close!  He was surprised to see me so "up" and smiling & laughing.  I told him it was much better than the alternative...

I explained that every time that I have had a bout with Depression, that I could feel it coming on, I could feel all the "triggers" mounting, that I was trying to fight them off.  But, when I have had them, it is usually when one or more things, all of a sudden like, become the straw that broke the camel's back.  That, when I "give in" to it, something makes it almost impossible not to, that it is like falling into a hole or a pit, that it is SOOOOOOOO hard to climb back out of.  And, you have to do it gradually & in the mean time, as you are trying to do so, you realize all the damage that your bout with depression as caused on your loved ones, your work life, your finances, etc, etc, etc, which makes it VERY stressful, and even harder, to pull yourself back out of.  It is like a self-perpetuating thing, the more you are depressed, the more that is falling apart around you.  The more that stuff is falling apart around you, the more depressed you get, and ANXIOUS, making it VERY hard to pull yourself out.  Anyway, ramble, ramble...

Since this all started with Ginny's Brain, I have not had a chance, or opportunity, to even cry...yet.  I have SO much emotion bottled up inside me, fear, worry, anxiety, heart break, despair, frustration, sadness, etc, etc, etc, that I am afraid that if I let it out and/or give in to it and/or let it bubble to the surface, that I am going to "loose it".  I can't afford to "loose it"!!! 

I am Ginny's primary, ninety some odd percent plus, Caregiver.  I have to keep everything going, the money, bills, dishes, laundry, medical bills, taxes, garbage, etc, etc, etc.

And, I have to keep working!  I have a BIG job, and it is a BUSY for me time of year.  And, somebody needs to have a steady job!  I can't afford, monetarily or figuratively, to take ANY more time off than I am already doing!

And, I have to be Ginny's "cheerleader"!  I have to be the one to sift thru her emotions & outbursts & figure out what is going on & help her feel better about things.  She is SO angry & full of despair, frustrated.  I have to be the Optimist as well as the Pragmatist, all at the same time.  I have to "give it to her straight" as well as encourage her.  But, I am also the main one telling her what she can't, or shouldn't, do.  Which is hard, because she is a pretty determined woman, and it used to having her way, of doing things her way.

Anyway, my Shrink got my emotions to bubble up quite a bit, wanted to see me again, in a couple of days if I wished.  But, I just feel that I have to suppress my own emotions in order to deal with Ginny's emotions, and Ginny, and our now very uncertain finances, and work, which has gone to hell in a hand basket, and ALL of my usual chores and almost ALL of Ginny's now, too.  And, I have to keep dealing with myself, which is usually a hand full even when there is nothing else going on.

Yipes!!!